Most parents of teenagers have had moments in which they shake their heads in disbelief at something their children have said or done. The phrase, “Where did that come from?” comes to mind. This thought is often accompanied by the emotions of anger and guilt: Anger at the children for what was said or done; guilt at themselves for perceived parenting mistakes that may have elicited such poor decisions. This is sometimes followed by accusations aimed at spouses for having the children end up like “their side of the family.”
Recent brain research brings some relief to the guilt-ridden parents of teens, and this cycle of frustration. These studies also may help them gain some perspective and be a little more forgiving of their teens. It tells us that the reason for at least some foolish words and behaviors may be biological. This is true because young peoples’ brains do not fully develop until they are in their late twenties.
Recently, my sister sent me a copy of a letter she received from her daughter’s high school in Rosemount, Minnesota. Information in it was compiled by the Dakota County Public Health Department. The school appropriately titled the letter, “The Teenage Brain: An Engine Without a Driver.” This title expresses a scary thought. However, it also accurately describes the situation in which many young people find themselves. Below is some of the information contained in the letter.
It turns out that an important part of the brain that is the control center for decisions and reasoning goes through tremendous changes during adolescence. As the letter put it, “The connections in the teenage brain to make good decisions, anticipate the future, and manage one’s emotions are not fully wired up.”
One brain area in particular that is not “fully wired up” in youth is the part just behind the forehead called the prefrontal cortex. This is the area that serves as the brain’s director. It helps people foresee the consequences of their actions. This may be why young people choose activities that give short-term thrills while risking serious long-term damage.
Another developmental problem with young people is they develop their ability to read facial expressions later in life. As a result, they may misunderstand parents’ nonverbal communications and surprise the parent by disobedience or overacting to what is said. Because of this the Dakota County advises that parents say exactly what they mean with their teens and not expect them to get subtle messages communicated through nonverbal cues.
The letter explains that sleep is another area of struggle at times between parents and teens. This too has a biological base. During the teen years, the hormone that regulates sleep, melatonin, is secreted by the brain two hours later than during their younger years. The result is teens are geared to stay up later and to sleep in more. Many studies have shown that adequate sleep is essential to adolescent development. Sleep is crucial to brain growth and maturity. Therefore it is wise to let unfolding teenagers get extra sleep during this stage in their lives.
In summary, much of teen behavior is directly related to changes in their hormones and to brain development. These physical causes explain some of the irritating behaviors that cause friction between parents and teens. Remembering that much of this change is outside of teens’ control helps parents be a little more patient. This does not excuse their bad decisions or the times they hurt themselves or others. However, it should help parents think back on their own teen years and remember that they may have made a few mistakes about which they were not proud.
One last comforting thought: Perhaps some of our mistakes were also caused by our own brains’ development! I wonder when we have to quit using that excuse?
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