The break up of a family is almost always a tough situation
for the children caught in the middle. This is never an
easy or pleasant experience. Normally scars and pain result
from family dissolutions that haunt the children for years,
sometimes for their lifetimes. Schools often experience
the symptoms of the pain children are experiencing. They
come to school distraught, angry, depressed, and distracted.
It is awful hard to learn when you are carrying that baggage.
What can be done to save these young people from this emotional
upheaval that has life-changing consequences?
First of all, I do not claim to be a family counselor. Nor
do I insinuate that all marriages should stay together. Obviously,
when abuse or infidelity is involved, a spouse needs to seriously
consider the pros and cons of holding things together. That
said, an observation of mine is that many common ills can
be solved within a family by the frequent use of six little
words: I am sorry, and I forgive you.
Why are these words so hard to say? It could be lack of good
models. Perhaps it is due to lack of training in conflict
management. Maybe it is due to a lack of empathy for the
feelings of another. More often than not it is just simple
devilish pride.
These words are hard to say because either we have to admit
we are wrong, or we have to be willing to give someone a
second (or thirty-second) chance. Saying we are wrong is
difficult for almost everyone. Who likes to admit that? However,
until we are willing to admit our mistakes, we cannot restore
a broken relationship. When you think about it, if it will
restore an important relationship, perhaps it is worth admitting
we are wrong even if we are not!
Surprisingly, saying “I forgive you” is also difficult
for most adults. This one is harder to figure out. Perhaps
it is because the natural human response is to hold onto
hurt feelings. We like throwing our own “pity parties.” Whereas
if we forgive another that means also not holding onto pain
and resentment. It forces us to allow the other person to
have a fresh start. Many of us would rather keep our tally
marks, so we can hold it against the other person again next
time.
As natural as these reactions are when conflicts arise, it
can be disastrous to homes if they operate this way. Harboring
little slights and refusing to admit faults can start small,
but they add up. Soon the small disagreements balloon into
major disputes. The smallest conflict can turn into a major
explosion and even physical violence.
Thus, the importance of those six little words. If everyone
in the family knows and uses those words well and often,
the odds are that family break-ups will reduce and harmonious
homes will become the norm. Until these words are heard often
in our families, break-ups and grief will continue to expand
and misery will grow.
The sad part is it is often the children who pay the consequences
when adults cannot act like adults. When pride and self-pity
are common in a home, the children must deal with the pain
and misery that will follow. In order for our community to
have better healthier families starts with adults committing
to bringing peace into their homes by treating family members
with kindness and respect -- even in the midst of disagreement
and conflict. To model this behavior I have one final comment:
If you did not like the content of this column, I am sorry
and I forgive you.
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