How many parents have gone through the heart-wrenching process of second guessing their leadership after a child makes a painful mistake? This is a common occurrence. A young person does something foolish and must suffer consequences (sometimes agonizing) for the action. The parents in turn find themselves thinking, “If only I had done more, this would never have happened.”

Many, if not most, parents experience this feeling of guilt and regret at some time when raising children. It is one of the worst feelings they will ever experience. It is important to contemplate two things when one faces such situations. First, what can be done to make sure the young person avoids such mistakes in the future? Secondly, remember that the parent is not the one who committed the mistake. Most actions that lead to serious consequences were beyond the parents’ control. Young people’s mistakes are a result of having free will.

How can a parent help a young person avoid making a second damaging mistake after the first one has been committed? The most important thing a parent can do is allow the young person to experience the natural consequences of the poor decision. Pain tends to deepen the learning process and parents should not deprive the young person of this educational opportunity. This may mean paying the extra insurance premium that is caused by an accident. It could mean taking weekly classes in self-mastery to deal with an addiction. Perhaps he or she will need to work extra hours to pay off a fine. Whatever the consequences are, parents should not shield young people from experiencing them.

A second thing parents can do after a mistake is made is to help the young person sort through what led to the troubling incident. Having an open discussion with him or her at this time is essential. Was it poor choices in friends that led to the fall? Perhaps it was due to a poor self-image. Maybe it happened because of the reckless nature of the child. It could have been caused by poor judgment. More than likely it was a combination of several of these factors or “all of the above.”

Once the cause of the mistake is found, the youth will benefit from determining how to deal with the cause so that it does not re-surface and result in a similar problem in the future. This may mean finding a new group of friends, attending counseling sessions, choosing activities that are less dangerous, or getting involved in positive constructive outlets that will lead to character development and to better peer group influences.

Though the parent is critical in helping the young person avoid repeating mistakes, it is important for parents not to be too hard on themselves. The natural reaction of parents when a son or daughter gets into trouble is to blame themselves. However, parents can literally do all the right things and still have a son or daughter commit a serious error that leads to dire consequences. Part of the human condition involves the freedom to make bad, even damaging, decisions.

All parents would love to shield their children from the consequences of their mistakes. Likewise they would like to prevent their children from making bad decisions. However, every parent also learns that the older their children become, the more choices young people make themselves. This is just part of growing up. This natural evolution from total dependence to total independence is not without its growing pains and suffering. Observing this process, sometimes helplessly, can be one of the hardest things about being a parent.

So if you are a parent and your children commit a mistake that has harmful consequences, remember to let them learn from their mistakes and help them use those mistakes as stepping-stones to better decisions in the future. And do not blame yourself for the indiscretions of your young. They are on a journey just like you are. Unfortunately their road will have bumps and pot-holes along the way. But it often is in the falling that a person develops the strength and wisdom to make better decisions in the future.

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